“Stop making excuses!” It’s a phrase many parents and teachers use when children justify mistakes or struggles. While the intent is to encourage responsibility, this approach often shuts down critical thinking instead of fostering it.
Instead of simply telling children to stop making excuses, we should guide them toward understanding the difference between an excuse and identifying an obstacle.
Excuses vs. Obstacles: Teaching the Difference
An excuse shifts responsibility away from the individual. It’s a way of saying, “I had no control over this.” But an obstacle? That’s a real challenge standing in the way—something that, with the right approach, can be worked through.
Instead of dismissing a child’s words as an excuse, ask:
- What made this difficult for you?
- What part of this was in your control?
- What could we try next time?
- What do you need to do to get through this?
By shifting the conversation from blame to problem-solving, we help children develop resilience and self-awareness.
Accountability Without Shame
Accountability isn’t about forcing kids to accept blame for everything. It’s about helping them recognize their role in situations—without fear of punishment or shame. Even when something is truly out of their control, they should still see themselves as active participants in finding a way forward.
Every “excuse” or reason should always come back to them and their control. Even if they can’t do anything about it, they should still make it about their experience:
“I faced this obstacle and didn’t know how to get through it.”
“I encountered this challenge and wasn’t willing to push past it.”
“I saw a way through but didn’t take it.”
This helps children develop a sense of control rather than feeling like victims of their circumstances.
The Power of Ownership
By creating reasons for lack of achievement and not always putting it on themselves, kids risk taking away their own control and authority in life. Instead, we want to teach them:
- “I failed because of X.”
- “I couldn’t because of Y.”
- “They stopped me because of Z.”
Becomes:
- “I faced X and didn’t know how to get through it.”
- “I encountered Y and wasn’t willing to push past it.”
- “I saw Z and couldn’t figure out the next step.”
See the difference? In every situation, we want them to make it about their choices, their reactions, their control.
Because the moment they stop owning their story is the moment they hand over the pen.
So next time a child offers what sounds like an excuse, pause. Instead of shutting them down, lead them through understanding. Teach them to see the obstacle, and they’ll learn how to overcome it.
This message can empower many adults that also fall into the trap of surrendering control of their own lives.
