From a young age, children are often told, “Don’t compare yourself to others.” While this advice is well-intended, it ultimately does more harm than good. By discouraging comparison altogether, we close the door to crucial insights that children will need throughout life. The truth is, they will compare themselves to others—it’s a natural part of human development. By closing the door to the conversation they are left unequipped to handle it when it inevitably arises.
The real issue isn’t comparison itself, but rather how they are taught to handle it, why and when they should. If we don’t equip them with the right mindset, they’ll be left unprepared to navigate the realities of life.
Comparison Is Inevitable
Whether we like it or not, children will compare themselves to their peers. They’ll notice differences in academic abilities, athletic skills, social status, and even physical appearance. As they grow, they’ll continue comparing themselves in their careers, relationships, and personal achievements. The idea that they can—or should—completely avoid comparison is unrealistic. The key is teaching them to compare in healthy, constructive ways rather than letting comparison lead to insecurity or self-doubt.
What Happens When We Discourage Comparison?
When children are told not to compare themselves to others, several things happen:
- They Lose a Valuable Tool for Growth – Comparison, when done right, can serve as a powerful motivator. Seeing others excel can provide inspiration and show them what’s possible. If they are told not to compare, they miss out on opportunities to learn from those who are ahead of them.
- They Struggle to Accurately Assess Themselves – Without comparison, it’s difficult for children to understand where they stand. They might assume they are doing well when they actually need improvement, or they might believe they are failing when they are actually on track. Healthy comparison helps them develop self-awareness.
- They Are Left Unprepared for the Real World – In adulthood, people are constantly evaluated in relation to others—whether in job interviews, promotions, or social dynamics. If children grow up avoiding comparison, they won’t develop the resilience and perspective needed to handle these inevitable challenges.
How to Teach Healthy Comparison
Instead of banning comparison, we should teach children how, when, and why to compare in a way that fosters growth rather than insecurity. Here are three key principles:
Compare for Inspiration, Not Desperation – Instead of feeling defeated by others’ success, children should learn to see it as proof of what’s possible. “If they can do it, so can I.”
Compare for Awareness, Not Judgment – Help children see where they stand without attaching self-worth to the outcome. Differences are not failures; they are opportunities to learn.
Compare for Progress, Not Perfection – Encourage them to focus on improving themselves rather than trying to be “better” than someone else. The goal is growth, not superiority.
Teaching children not to compare themselves to others leaves them unequipped for the realities of life and will likely handle the comparisons negatively. Instead, we should guide them on how to compare in a way that helps them grow, learn, and become more resilient. By embracing comparison as a tool rather than a threat, we give them the mindset they need to thrive in a world where comparison is unavoidable.
Rather than saying, “Don’t compare yourself to others,” let’s start saying, “Here’s how, why and when to compare yourself in a way that makes you better.”
