Building confidence in children is one of the most valuable gifts a parent or guardian can give. However, the way we praise and encourage them can significantly influence their self-perception. Many well-meaning parents and teachers label children as “smart,” “strong,” or “brave” after an accomplishment. While this may seem like positive reinforcement, it can inadvertently shape a child’s internal dialogue in ways that lead to self-criticism when they struggle or fail. Instead of focusing on fixed traits, we should nurture the attributes that help them persist, adapt, and grow.
The Downside of Labels
When children are praised for being “smart” after solving a math problem or “strong” after winning a race, they internalize these labels as part of their identity. The issue arises when they inevitably encounter challenges. If they struggle with a subject or fail in a competition, they might think, Maybe I’m not smart after all or Maybe I’m not strong enough. This can lead to self-doubt, anxiety, and insecurity.
For example, a child who is always told they are “so intelligent” may feel pressure to always perform well. If they fail a test, instead of seeing it as an opportunity to learn, they may believe they have lost their intelligence. Similarly, a child who is labeled “brave” might feel shame when experiencing fear, believing bravery means never feeling scared.
Rewarding and Complimenting Attributes That Nurture Growth
Instead of labeling children with fixed traits, focus on recognizing and reinforcing the attributes that lead to success. Complimenting effort, perseverance, and problem-solving fosters a growth mindset.
Instead of saying, You’re so smart for solving that problem, say, I love how you kept trying different ways until you figured it out.
Instead of saying, You’re so strong for winning that game, say, Your practice and dedication really showed in your performance.
Instead of saying, You’re so brave, say, I admire how you faced your fears and did it anyway.
By doing this, children learn that success is not about innate ability but about the effort, resilience, and determination they put into their actions.
Teaching Children That Success Comes from Persistence
Successful people don’t give up when they face setbacks—they adjust, persist, and keep going. Teaching children that setbacks are part of growth prevents them from feeling insecure when things don’t go perfectly.
If a child struggles with a school subject, instead of saying, Maybe you’re just not good at this, say, Let’s try a different approach—learning takes time.
If they lose a game, instead of saying, It’s okay, you’ll win next time, say, What do you think you can do differently next time? This encourages them to learn from failure rather than fear it.
If they express self-doubt, remind them of past instances when they overcame difficulties.
Preventing insecurity in children starts with how we communicate and reinforce behaviors. By shifting our praise from fixed traits to growth-oriented attributes, we nurture resilience, confidence, and perseverance. When children learn that their worth is not tied to constant achievement but rather to their effort and ability to improve, they build a strong, secure foundation for success in life.
